To the one I have loved for almost all of my life,
Firstly, I need to apologise for my dreadful abandonment of you in the last year or so. You haven’t been cast aside in favour of another, although the arrival of a second small, screamy person nearly a year ago has taken me away from you at least a little. At times there hasn’t been space for both of you and his elder brother, and since you are the oldest and by far most fragile of all my loves, you have to be kept safe. So I have hidden you away from potential harm.
But I need to bring you back into the fold again. For a start, I need to make you whole again. Mum used to do that for me, but she is no longer here to help. I have tried in the past, but not hard enough, certainly not enough when you consider the cuddles I love to give you. And now I have left you incomplete for probably 2 years or more. It started even before I hid you away.
My skills have improved now. I am better at healing. Maybe it is because I am now an older and hopefully wiser Mama. Maybe I did really learn and retain some useful skills from Mum, and am now learning that I can improve and use them.
I also need you. The one constant (other than Dad). I have loved you since I was a baby like Mini Mister. You are the one who has always been there, no matter what. Despite all the childhood and teenage moods with my sisters and parents. Throughout the most difficult times in my life, when I barely knew what to do to move on. In the happiest times, especially those in the last few years (although I am afraid you weren’t allowed to come on honeymoon with us). You are always there. I promise I haven’t abandoned you. I will heal you. I will give you the cuddles and love you deserve.
My love forever…