I keep saying it. I will blog more frequently. I will. Here is a fresh new start. There are going to be lots of posts that I have accrued. It will be regular. I will be a good blogger.
And then it doesn’t happen.
It isn’t just the procrastinator in me. I have struggled for months and months now (stretching into years) to actually do anything. I mean, I eat (too much), I sleep (not enough), I go to work, I look after the kids, I do the housework (sometimes…mostly), I breathe, I exist. But that is it.
I think that actually is the crux of it. I exist. Sometimes I wish I didn’t, but mostly I do. But I have found it more and more difficult to do anything else. You know. The stuff that cheers you up, that you enjoy, that relaxes you, that fulfils you, that destresses you, that you want to do!
I sit. I think. I plan. I pick up things. But I do not do. Or if I manage to start, I stop almost as soon as I have started.
And I don’t know why.
That, I think, makes more even more sad than not doing stuff. The only thing I seem able to do for any length of time is to play mindless games on my tablet. Probably because they are mindless.
Last month, I realised that I could not remember when I had last read a book (other than stories to Maxi and Mini). Now, I love books. You know I do. I have mentioned this before. I store books rather than throw them out. My Kindle is rammed with books. But I hadn’t read for pleasure, for me, for I don’t know how long. It made me want to cry (I struggle with that as well at the moment, I think due to my changed medication). So, as I had something I had to do, although I can’t remember what but possibly planning for school, I decided to put on my long-neglected audio version of Jane Eyre. I bought it last summer to accompany me whilst I sewed quilt binding, but I hadn’t finished it. It was sitting there on Audible on my tablet, gathering dust. So I put it on. I think I managed 2 chapters in the time I had. But it was lovely. I enjoyed it. And then it made me sad because I hadn’t read in so long. I still haven’t read anything, but I have slowly made my way a bit further through the audio book. I need to do it more often really.
But I still struggle with doing other stuff. The quilting has been neglected. So too has any other sewing (including Maxi’s Cubs badges which had to be sewn on in a hurry the other week as he needed them on his uniform before Camp), or baking, or anything else creative that I usually love. And I did start running last year. It fell by the wayside in the Autumn, but I tried again in January with RED January for Mind. Then I got flu. I have only run once since then.
I managed to make some bags as presents for my sisters (and the trial version for me). Then stopped again. Then I got my bum in gear and made some headphone/earbud pockets. I must admit I have got a bit obsessed with the lovely patterns produced by Erin of Dog Under My Desk, so I have some more bits ready to start on. More earbud pockets, a bag from a challenge given to bloggers for the UKQU website (I missed the challenge deadline ages ago, but I am still going to make the bag), and a wallet. Planning a quilt for our quilt group’s 5th anniversary. And a stupidly fiddly miniature quilt, which I designed and planned, and have been regretting it ever since, but I am not going to give up now! And all the many, many blog posts which are still almost fully formed, but still in my head.
But I am still finding it so hard to get going. I finally have a counselling appointment for my obsessional phobia issue and my OCD today. I have been waiting since final referral last November! My original referral was in February 2017. At least I have seen a psychiatrist twice since November. Maybe this appointment will help. Although I am so scared about it. I need to confront my obsession. I want to confront it. But I don’t. I can’t stay like this though. In limbo. Maybe I can finally get rid of the mental lethargy which plagues me.
We shall see 🙂